BIG-EYED DOCILE DEER

We lived in the city and every year we would pack up our tent and camping gear and travel to one of the National Parks in California for a week’s vacation.  There was one trip that didn’t start the best.  We couldn’t have been in the park for more than a half and hour when we came across a bunch of cars pulled over on the side of the road.  My dad pulled the station wagon over and we all climbed out to see a group of deer grazing on the side of the road.  Everybody had his or her cameras out and snapping pictures left and right.  Then my idiot little brother had a bright idea to pull up some weeds and go over and feed the deer.  Now everyone knows you’re not to feed wild animals, but my mom and dad assumed it meant people food and allowed my brother to walk up face to face with the deer so they could get a picture of him feeding the deer some grass.  The very second my brother lifted the grass offering to the cute little doe, the deer’s front leg shot out and with it’s hoof sliced my brother’s leg open before it took off running.  My brothers pants had been torn open and he had a good-sized gash above his knee.  Luckily, a park ranger had stopped to move traffic along and rushed my mom and my brother to the ranger’s medical station to get him sewed up…so much for big-eyed docile deer.  Surprisingly, my little brother never became a hunter.

        --- Jim W.

4-YEAR-OLD CHECK OUT

On one vacation while I was standing in a grocery store’s crowded checkout line my four-year old asks in her shrill concrete wall penetrating voice, ‘What’s “blank” mean daddy?(you know the “F” word)  Honest, it seemed like all twelve checkout lines instantly stopped whatever they were doing, and everyone turned silently staring at me.  I instantly grabbed the nearest lollipop stuck it in her mouth and then tried to get the giggling checker to get me out of there.  They didn’t have any paper bags or I would have put one over my head!  I never did find out where she heard it!

         --- Charles

CORDIALLY CALM

We wanted the actual day of our Anniversary to be a quiet, romantic, relaxing day with each other.  And that actually happened, perfectly; a couple’s message, a sauna, lunch at the park, a pleasant stroll through our favorite art gallery, dinner, and dessert.  For the dinner and dessert, our children had given us a gift certificate to a fine dining restaurant, and we opted to use it that night to finish off the most relaxing and pleasant day. 

Our anniversary dinner started off well, as we were pleasingly surprised when we were lead directly to our table without any wait.  Typically, from what everyone had told us, this restaurant was always busy, and waiting an hour to be seated for dinner should be expected.  For whatever reason thankfully, we had arrived at the perfect time.  Once seated, my lovely bride usually takes forever to decide on what to eat as she is understandably concerned over what’s in the meal considering her food allergies.  And not to disappoint me, we actually ordered after the third visit to our table by the server. 

Over the next hour, the meal sort-of fell apart and went from oops to catastrophe.  Other than the water, nothing came to the table as ordered or without a pre-warned allergen included.  It felt like our table became the center of attention as a frenzy of servers and assistant managers kept trying desperately to make things go right and ensure she hadn’t accidentally eaten anything that would warrant medical attention.  We on the other hand, after having a relaxing and unhurried day, just sat there smiling, and watched it all come apart. 

The restaurant staff must have been in shock, and thought we were saints considering the easiness in which we accepted the situation.  Being calm, understanding and cordial felt like the correct thing to do considering from our perspective the entire restaurant was in a panic over us.  To say the least, the meal was free and we were given a gift certificate for another try…maybe next year’s anniversary.   

ALASKAN HUMOR

We visited Juneau, Alaska, a few years back, and took one of those tour buses to get our first impression and feel of Alaska.  The group of us on the bus learned more about the governor, the governor’s children, and many unscheduled landmarks about town than we had read in the brochure, or bargained for.

“See that building over there.  That’s the Red Dog Saloon.  It’s not the real genuine original saloon, and it sells something called a ‘Duck Fart Drink.’  Now I don’t know about you, but if it does that to a duck, do you really want to drink it?”  Our smiles hadn’t subsided, when he adds, “Attitudes around here take a while to correct, ‘cause roughage is expensive locally, we have to ship it all in.  For some weird reason, wild flowers grow well here, but we can’t seem to grow any vegetables!” 

Zipping around another bend, he laughs, “Ya see that, we now have our own McDonald’s up here in Alaska.  So, being that we live here in Alaska, and have one of the world’s largest harvest of fresh seafood available year-round, why would anybody around here buy a processed, frozen, deep fried, breaded fish sandwich?”  Then a few more miles down the road on the way to Mendenhall Glacier, he points to some construction off to our right, “Now, that there is what you call a waste of taxpayers money.  What government idiot thought up, got approved, and is spending our hard earned tax dollars to build an outside amphitheater here that costs 27% higher to build in Juneau than in Seattle?  It’s in the 50’s and 60’s here all summer, and it rains over 75 inches year…who in their right mind would want to sit outside in the cold rain for hours and listen to some tree-hugging nature docent talk about wildflowers, trees, and bears!”  To put it mildly, we received a wonderfully funny introduction to Alaska!

        --- Baked Alaska